It’s May 2019 and I’ve just been sacked from my job.

 

My only income.

 

I’m living in London, and I have rent to pay. I have credit card bills, course fees, and living costs that include a good amount of weed.

 

A few months before this I had been the victim of knife crime. Not a big surprise living in London, but hugely influential on me and my life.

 

Added to the laundry list of shit that I was carrying around from my childhood, I was a mess.

 

After this incident I’d (without really noticing) downed tools at work. I’d withdrawn from my relationships and just drowned myself in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and drug use. Occasionally at the same time. Spending every possible minute I could on the mats or high.

 

This was the only time and place I could ignore what was happening inside of me. Take it from me, you can’t think about how pathetic you are when somebody has their knee on your neck.

 

Despite spending all this time at Jiu Jitsu, I was reluctant to compete.

 

What if I got injured? I’d be without my best coping mechanism.

 

What if I lost? All this time on the mats wasted. I’d be a loser and a failure.

 

I'd gotten even worse (if possible) at talking to strangers and even people I knew. I couldn’t vocalise what was in my head because my brain was in panic mode – fight or flight.

 

I couldn’t hold the space for an argument with my girlfriend. Every disagreement would end in a raging row.

 

I would take everything personally.

 

Fast forward to today and I actually am injured. But it doesn’t matter. Jiu Jitsu is no longer a coping mechanism, ‘just’ a passion. I don’t need coping mechanisms anymore.

 

I’ve entered competitions and lost. The world didn’t end.

 

My fiancée and I can argue and disagree without it turning into a huge row. I don’t take everything personally.

 

I know what’s going on for me (emotionally) and for her and I can make mature decisions as to how to respond.

 

The point is that things happen at a point in time, and unless we deal with them, they stretch themselves out over time and run our lives until we realise what’s going on and why.

 

I had to confront what happened to me on a cold Tuesday night in February. 

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It was actually shrove Tuesday, so the incident ruined more than just my pancakes. 

 

I had to confront not just the existential aspects of it but also why couldn’t I use the word ‘victim’?

 

I ran away from him. Why didn’t I stay and fight?

 

I tried everything from burying myself in Jiu Jitsu, very powerful psychedelics, meditation retreats. Nothing gave lasting relief from the trauma of that and all the shit I was carrying from my childhood.

 

The only things that worked were coaching and therapy.

 

How did it all come together?

 

I’ll explain, but first let me introduce myself.

 

My name is James Yates, I’m a psychotherapist and coach.

 

I first decided to pursue psychotherapy after I met a trainee. He had something about him that was different to most other people I’d ever met, and I wanted it.

 

He was self-assured, confident, and grounded.

 

Since then, I have been through a similar process myself, and facilitated it in others.

 

It’s hard not to see what’s happening with men around the world today.

 

Many lack confidence. They can’t speak to women. They can’t speak to strangers. They’re afraid of looking stupid, afraid of rejection and judgement.

 

What most people don’t know is that these are emotional problems that stem often from childhood – but can also come from events in their adulthood too.

 

Many can’t have discussions without getting rageful at people they disagree with.

 

Many can’t access their emotions because they’ve been repressed for so long.

 

These emotions are running your life without your knowledge.

 

You probably hear “you need to control your emotions” a lot. I know I do. But the point is, most people conflate not showing emotion with control over them.

 

If your emotions are running your life in the background, you have no control over them.

 

If you can’t access your emotions when you need them, you have no control.

 

So, I believe that “control” is not only incomplete, but its naïve.

 

We need mastery over our emotional life.

 

Mastery is defined as “comprehensive knowledge or skill in a particular subject of activity”, or “control over someone or something”.

 

In this instance, both definitions are relevant.

 

So, psychological and emotional mastery in this context is a comprehensive knowledge of yourself.

 

Who you are, why you are who you are, and what to do about it.

 

With this knowledge, you will gain mastery over your thoughts and emotions, while allowing space to express yourself.

 

You will gain knowledge to enable yourself to stand your ground to people in a way that allows them to feel comfortable, and not attacked.

 

You will be able to hold the space for a constructive discussion instead of an explosive argument.

 

They will be able to trust you to handle their emotions, both good and bad.

 

You will be able to increase the intimacy in your relationships.

 

This is about doing the internal work that many influencers say you don’t need to do.

 

“Just go to the gym bro” is not good advice.

 

Should you go to the gym? Probably.

 

Will it solve your problems? Probably not.

 

It’s just another way to repress what’s going on.

 

The path to psychological and emotional health and is to lock eyes with your problems, and not avert your gaze.

 

The only way out is through.

 

You have to feel and experience your emotional life as fully as possible to process what is happening to you, and what has happened.

 

Taking the sting out of the emotions attached to an experience (past or present) is the only way to be able to accept it, and yourself.

 

My tutor once said to me “self-acceptance is the only price of freedom”.

 

Simple, but not easy.

 

So, what are you waiting for?